After yesterday's post, I actually feel better. I think I just needed to articulate my feelings instead of having it as this vague, slightly unsettling notion rattling around in my head. Life is a journey and full of conflict. Without conflict life would be dull. I need to wrestle with these questions and feelings. It may take me a lifetime to figure it all out and I may never know the answers, but at least I will not have given up. Maybe I will even go to church this Sunday...assuming I can get my lazy arse out of bed.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Losing my religion
My apologies Mr. Stipe, I know you did not mean losing my religion literally, but I do. I find myself questioning my faith, or what little I have left daily. For someone who is unsure what to believe about God anymore, I spend an awful lot of time thinking about him/her. First I must say I whole heartily endorse the teachings of Jesus. No matter how you feel about his divinity or religion in general, his teachings are a sound basis for anyone to build a life upon. I have never been a great lover of organized religion even though I have been a member of a Baptist church and the United Methodist Church. I was baptized at age 12 in a river behind the little church I attended as a child. While it was a very moving experience, I sometimes think I did it out of fear more than love. I feared what would happen to my soul if I died unbaptized, not necessarily out of a need to be born anew in God's love. Heavy stuff for a 12 year old. I always had an overactive imagination.
When I was younger than that I used to worry about what would happen if the Rapture happened and I was separated from my family. I don't even know how I got all these ideas in my head as my parents certainly did not put them there. Both were religious in there own way, but did not attend church. They tried to teach us kids that God was good and looking out for us. Some of my ideas came from the first church I attended as a small child. It was a crazy little church just up the road from our house that my brothers and I sometimes attended. The pastor, who coincidentally was my school bus driver, was a sing-song, foaming-at-the-mouth, are-you-going-to-hell-or-heaven-if-you-die-tonight kind of minister. He was always hoarse because he yelled so much during his sermon. Needless to say at four years old being told that you are going to hell because you are a miserable sinner does make a wee bit of an impression. I did not tell my mom about this until I was an adult.
I have always felt that there must be something bigger out there. Something or someone who created all the magnificence I see on a daily basis. Our world, our bodies are some kind of miracle. Even so I have had a difficult time feeling that the God I have been told about all my life is the responsible party. There are so many things in the Bible that do not make sense to me. There is also the cliche, but no less relevant, thought of why do bad things happen to good people? There is war, famine, sickness, cruelty, and wanton destruction in our world. There are people who claim to be God-fearing, good people and yet they discriminate against and scorn others because they dare to love someone of the same sex, or because they had a baby out of wedlock or believe the world is older than 6,000 years. Christianity is supposes to be about tolerance, love, and compassion, but expressing such views in the eyes of some makes you some kind of raving liberal, socialist hippie. I do not think there is anything wrong with being a liberal, socialist, or hippie (except for dirty hippies, take a bath already!). I use to go to church regularly, but I have not been in months. I feel like a hypocrite walking through the doors. How can I worship God if I am not sure God exists?
I am confused and adrift. I see my friends posting things they are thankful for on Facebook and I am happy they have so many things to be thankful for. I have many great things in my life too, but I also feel a bit empty. I want to have faith, to believe, but in what? I still pray, but it feels hypocritical. I think it is healthy to question your faith and what you believe. No one should ever follow anything blindly. I try to console myself with the thought that I am not the first person to have these thoughts and I certainly will not be the last. I wish though I could a glimmer of light, something to hold on to that lets me know I do not walk through this life alone. I have family and friends who love and support me and that certainly helps. Perhaps they should be my religion. I will keep seeking, asking questions, and maybe I will find some answers, some peace. If I do I will put it out to the ether in hopes that some other lost soul finds it too.
When I was younger than that I used to worry about what would happen if the Rapture happened and I was separated from my family. I don't even know how I got all these ideas in my head as my parents certainly did not put them there. Both were religious in there own way, but did not attend church. They tried to teach us kids that God was good and looking out for us. Some of my ideas came from the first church I attended as a small child. It was a crazy little church just up the road from our house that my brothers and I sometimes attended. The pastor, who coincidentally was my school bus driver, was a sing-song, foaming-at-the-mouth, are-you-going-to-hell-or-heaven-if-you-die-tonight kind of minister. He was always hoarse because he yelled so much during his sermon. Needless to say at four years old being told that you are going to hell because you are a miserable sinner does make a wee bit of an impression. I did not tell my mom about this until I was an adult.
I have always felt that there must be something bigger out there. Something or someone who created all the magnificence I see on a daily basis. Our world, our bodies are some kind of miracle. Even so I have had a difficult time feeling that the God I have been told about all my life is the responsible party. There are so many things in the Bible that do not make sense to me. There is also the cliche, but no less relevant, thought of why do bad things happen to good people? There is war, famine, sickness, cruelty, and wanton destruction in our world. There are people who claim to be God-fearing, good people and yet they discriminate against and scorn others because they dare to love someone of the same sex, or because they had a baby out of wedlock or believe the world is older than 6,000 years. Christianity is supposes to be about tolerance, love, and compassion, but expressing such views in the eyes of some makes you some kind of raving liberal, socialist hippie. I do not think there is anything wrong with being a liberal, socialist, or hippie (except for dirty hippies, take a bath already!). I use to go to church regularly, but I have not been in months. I feel like a hypocrite walking through the doors. How can I worship God if I am not sure God exists?
I am confused and adrift. I see my friends posting things they are thankful for on Facebook and I am happy they have so many things to be thankful for. I have many great things in my life too, but I also feel a bit empty. I want to have faith, to believe, but in what? I still pray, but it feels hypocritical. I think it is healthy to question your faith and what you believe. No one should ever follow anything blindly. I try to console myself with the thought that I am not the first person to have these thoughts and I certainly will not be the last. I wish though I could a glimmer of light, something to hold on to that lets me know I do not walk through this life alone. I have family and friends who love and support me and that certainly helps. Perhaps they should be my religion. I will keep seeking, asking questions, and maybe I will find some answers, some peace. If I do I will put it out to the ether in hopes that some other lost soul finds it too.
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