Not much laughter at the moment...

I feel like throwing a tantrum right now. I want to lay in the floor and wail and scream and kick my feet. However, since I am no longer 5 years old, I cannot afford such extravagance of emotion. I have not felt much like my normal, giggly self lately. I found out last week that my job is in danger. This does not make me very different than the millions of other people in the country right now that do not have a job. I really like what I do, and it is the first time that I don't want to leave my job. It feels more like a career than just something to get up and go to every day. I don't get paid very much, but I enjoy it.

Now I knew that my grant would run out next year, but I was very confident that we would get another one and I could continue on. Then the bottom feel out of the economy and everyone is scrambling to get money from an even smaller pot. I am grateful that I have 7 months left to find a job, but it makes it hard too. When should I start looking? Should I hold out hope that money will be found and I can stay? It stinks too that my coworker is also in the same position. Of the two of us, I am in a better position. I can get on my husband's insurance and while money will be tight, we can make it since his salary is larger than mine. My coworker does not have this luxury. That makes it all the more imperative that we get more grant money or that he be able to find a new position quickly.

Having this weight pressing down on me is difficult. It is not the first time that I have felt the pressure to find a job, but in the past I have always found something. I have never been turned out of a position before. This weight in my chest feels heavier than before. I thought I had recovered from the initial shock of this, but today I feel it again, worse than before. My temper is short, I am easily irritated by things that I usually just endure or think nothing of. I also have the feeling that while my closest coworkers are truly upset and worried, the larger portion in other parts of the organization are not. It is too abstract...oh, well they still have their job and that is just too bad for her. I have had a feeling that my place is not too well respected within the ranks. I often joke that we are the stepchildren and more recently have ranted about such slights more openly. I have wanted to change the perception and let everyone know that we are valuable, necessary, and vital...as much so as everyone else. I don't think this is to be though and I fear that the urge to help find the money that would allow two of our ranks to continue to work in this wonderful place will not materialize and that we will instead fall away. I hope I am wrong on this point.

This is how I feel today...I hope tomorrow I feel differently. I usually do after some reflection. I am hoping this small and petty whining to the ether of my problems will help me to put it in perspective and just get over it!