While my guitar gently weeps...

My wonderful husband bought me an acoustic Yamaha FG700S for Christmas. It is so lovely, the flattop is a marvelous mellow yellow with beautiful curving side, and great action for someone with tiny hands. Can I play it...absolutely not! However I am working to remedy that problem. Today I took the first steps. I went to my friend Libby's house and she showed me a couple of things and tomorrow I get to meet her instructor. I hope to line him up for some lessons.

I need this right now. Even though I continue to giggle, I feel like it is hollow. I never intended to write so much about my job woes, but here I am again. Our board met last week and on Monday seven of my coworkers were let go. I also found out that the hiring freeze is still in effect and our CEO is not inclined to look for grants that would continue to fund me and my cohort. So, in three months I am out on my substantial arse. I knew it was most likely going to happen, yet that did not make it any easier. I have been twisting in the wind for seven months knowing that my funding was ending, yet still under the illusion that a position might open up or that we might get new grant funding. I now know that was a false hope and that I need to awake to reality.

How did I deal with this? Well, I got good and drunk on Monday while cleaning my office. It was a pity party for one that let me get out all of my emotions, while at the same time I attempted to define a space for me to hunker down in and find a new job. Drinking and cleaning do not mix, but it served its purpose. I have not purged all the demons, but I am now more focused and have a plan of action for the coming weeks. In the meantime, I hope to amuse myself and dervert my anxiety by learning to play guitar. Music may not always be a substitute for tears as Paul Simon so eloquently sang, but it can sometime soothe the savage beast, or in this case, soothe the anxious and aching heart.

How ironic...

I just read my last post, which was almost a month ago and I am still working on the same collection! So much for being close to done. Although this time we actually are really close...I hope.

Still no job news. I am counting down the days till the board meeting in hope that something good will happen there and the hiring freeze will be lifted. In the meantime. I have applied for one job and I am looking at a couple of others to apply for this week. None of them are ideal, but beggars cannot be choosers.

On a brighter note, I was able to eat lettuce out of my garden today. That was really great.

Why so cranky?

So today I was doing ok, until we had our facilitator meeting today at work. For some reason I chose that moment to recall that I only have about four months to find a new job. It is ever present in my mind, but I still continue along at work as if I will be there forever. I had not really thought about how little time I have left. I need to get my arse in gear!

Of course if I want my job to feel like it will last forever I should work on the most boring and huge collection possible...oh, wait I am! We are closing in on having it done, but my god it has been taking forever.

Between working on this collection and worrying about my job prospects I suppose it is natural to be a wee bit cranky. I'll live though.

Prayer works for everything?

Today a coworker expressed her dismay at my current job situation. It was really nice of her especially since I respect her so much. We chatted for a bit and I told her that all hope was not lost as we might yet find the money to keep myself and my partner in crime afloat. Her response was not what I expected. She said she would pray for it and for me to do the same, because "prayer works." My automatic response was, "oh yes it sure does," even while I was saying in my head, "does it really?"

I thought of the movie 'Saved,' when Mandy Moore's character finds out that her favorite Christian Rock band can play the prom. She excitedly punches the air and screams, "I told you prayer works for everything!" Given my current apathetic state, I feel very conflicted about it. On the one hand, I do pray and pray fervently. Lately I have been praying for the infant daughter of a friend. I send in prayer request to my church and yet I still have doubt. Why is that? I wish I felt more confident. In fact, I feel guilty when I pray because I am only half-heartedly doing it. I know that part of me thinks that it is a sham and why do it. Then there is another part of me telling the former part to shut up and say a quick prayer of forgiveness for my lack of belief. Wow, can you say conflicted!

I am stressed about my job outlook, but this is not the first time I've been in this position. Ok, well maybe not this exact position, but I've had to search before. It is always a time filled with anxiety, but everything always seems to work out. I always seem to find a job, find enough money, find a solution to every problem that confronts me. Is that just luck, or is someone or something guiding me and answering those prayers that my conscious self does not even acknowledge?

I don't know the answers and I suppose my back and forth struggle is part of my journey. No matter what, I will continue to pray for that baby girl and the earthquake victims in Haiti and anyone else who needs it. Maybe it is the positive vibe going out to the universe that make things seem better, or maybe there really is a God sitting on high answering the prayers of the faithful. I don't know, but it never hurts to hope. And if things turn out ok, then prayer really does work.

So tonight I pray...God please be with Emma and her family. Heal her, hold her, and comfort her. Give her family strength to deal with everything that comes their way. Love them as only you can. I also pray for the victims of the recent earthquake in Haiti. Help those who are working to rescue those in dire circumstances and help heal the wounded and comfort those who have lost their loved ones, their homes, and possessions. Help those of us not affected to be mindful of them and offer our support by whatever means we possess. God forgive me for being an unbelieving hypocrite.

Monkey

Well, it seems I am writing in my blog the same as with previous paper journals...barely at all. It is funny though because I tend to write entries in my head, but never make it to the computer to put it all down. A great deal has happened in the past month or so. I am still unsure about my job situation, but I am still hopeful that we will find some money. In the meantime I am going to keep my eyes open for a new position.

We had about a foot of snow which is rare not only because I am in Richmond, but because it happened in December. Christmas has come and gone and I had a wonderful visit with both my hubby's family and my own, albeit a short visit. My wonderful husband also bought me an acoustic guitar, something I have wanted for a long time.

On a sad note and actually the reason for this entry, my uncle passed away. It was quite sudden and I feel just awful for my family. Even worse was the realization that I have not seen that side of the family since my father passed away nine years ago. I was shocked to realize that so much time has slipped away. We never seem to see each other unless someone get married or dies. I have recently reconnected with a few cousins via Facebook, but that is no substitute for real face-to-face interaction.

I could not go to the funeral because I needed to work and it was on December 23rd, so there was really no one to take my place. The occasion was even more sad because my uncle was to be buried on the anniversary of his father, my grandfather's, death in 1985. I decided that I needed to go pay my respects though and give my aunt a hug. So I went to the visitation the night before. I expected it to be a bit awkward as I had not seen anyone since my dad's funeral. Instead I was true to my Mad Giggler ways. I went right in and hugged and talked and laughed with my family. I always find it so odd, the custom of sitting in a room with the deceased and yet being able to laugh. The best moment was seeing my other uncle and having him hug me and call me "monkey." It is a nickname he gave me when I was small and I had not thought of in years. It made me feel warm and I relaxed all over. These people are my kin and no matter what we will always have that special bond that time cannot diminish. In the midst of our grief we were able to reconnect, reminisce, and laugh. I know my aunt and my cousins were and are hurting, and I hope that no one interpreted our family reunion as disrespectful. I did get my wish of hugging my aunt and telling her how sorry I was and that I loved her. Sadly I know what this loss feels like for my cousins, but that does not make it any easier to see them have to go through it.

If anything good could come of this loss it is that I once again have been reminded how important family is. We have resolved to have a reunion this summer and I will do all I can to make sure it happens. I also like to imagine that my uncle was greeted by my dad and my grandparents and that they are now content and happy and will one day greet the rest of us. In the meantime, i hope they will gather above to watch those of us here come together to remember and to make new memories.

Not much laughter at the moment...

I feel like throwing a tantrum right now. I want to lay in the floor and wail and scream and kick my feet. However, since I am no longer 5 years old, I cannot afford such extravagance of emotion. I have not felt much like my normal, giggly self lately. I found out last week that my job is in danger. This does not make me very different than the millions of other people in the country right now that do not have a job. I really like what I do, and it is the first time that I don't want to leave my job. It feels more like a career than just something to get up and go to every day. I don't get paid very much, but I enjoy it.

Now I knew that my grant would run out next year, but I was very confident that we would get another one and I could continue on. Then the bottom feel out of the economy and everyone is scrambling to get money from an even smaller pot. I am grateful that I have 7 months left to find a job, but it makes it hard too. When should I start looking? Should I hold out hope that money will be found and I can stay? It stinks too that my coworker is also in the same position. Of the two of us, I am in a better position. I can get on my husband's insurance and while money will be tight, we can make it since his salary is larger than mine. My coworker does not have this luxury. That makes it all the more imperative that we get more grant money or that he be able to find a new position quickly.

Having this weight pressing down on me is difficult. It is not the first time that I have felt the pressure to find a job, but in the past I have always found something. I have never been turned out of a position before. This weight in my chest feels heavier than before. I thought I had recovered from the initial shock of this, but today I feel it again, worse than before. My temper is short, I am easily irritated by things that I usually just endure or think nothing of. I also have the feeling that while my closest coworkers are truly upset and worried, the larger portion in other parts of the organization are not. It is too abstract...oh, well they still have their job and that is just too bad for her. I have had a feeling that my place is not too well respected within the ranks. I often joke that we are the stepchildren and more recently have ranted about such slights more openly. I have wanted to change the perception and let everyone know that we are valuable, necessary, and vital...as much so as everyone else. I don't think this is to be though and I fear that the urge to help find the money that would allow two of our ranks to continue to work in this wonderful place will not materialize and that we will instead fall away. I hope I am wrong on this point.

This is how I feel today...I hope tomorrow I feel differently. I usually do after some reflection. I am hoping this small and petty whining to the ether of my problems will help me to put it in perspective and just get over it!

Warren Harding Error

Today is election day in Virginia. In honor of election day I put on my Warren G. Harding campaign button. I found it many years ago in my grandmother's button jar. I like to make up stories about the history this button has seen. The 1920 election was the first national election in which women could vote. Sometimes I imagine my great grandmother wore this button the first time she voted. It is a reminder to me that even though we live in a great country, we still have a long way to go. Women have only been allowed to vote for the last 90 years. Cars have been around longer than women have had the right to vote! Every time I take out this button it reminds me of my duty as a citizen and how I should never, ever take this right for granted. It is a real shame that so many of us do, especially when so many people have fought so hard to have this right.

The button also has a second meaning. It is a reminder to vote, but to also be a well informed voter. Warren G. Harding is arguable one of the worst presidents we ever had. Historians have joked that he won because he was so handsome and all the women used their newly won voting rights to choose him. This might not be too far off the mark based on Malcolm Gladwell's theory in Blink. He calls it the "Warren Harding Error." Women would not have been the only people susceptible to this. Warren to many people looked like a president. He was tall and good looking. Never mind that he was hardly qualified. People are drawn to tall individuals who look the part. I will not go into specifics; read Blink for an in depth explanation.

Richard Nixon also suffered from this idea of "looking presidential," in his fateful 1960 debate with Kennedy. This was the first televised presidential debate and Nixon, who did not wear makeup, looked sickly and tired. Kennedy, on the other hand, looked tanned, fit, and rested. People made assumptions then and there.

Now I am not saying that everyone picks candidates based on the superficial, but we should do our research on our candidates. Know why you are voting for someone. Do not vote just because they "look like a governor," or because they are a Republican or Democrat. Know their positions on issues, know their qualifications and skills, and know that they are going to serve the people, not their own interest. Your vote is much too valuable to simply cast without some careful thought.

If you have not voted today, please do so. We are so fortunate to live in a country where we can. The United States may not be perfect, but it will never improve if the people do not make their voices heard.